just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
