We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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