I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
