My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
