Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
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