I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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