He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Also, beer. Big fan.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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