I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I have post one night stand depression
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
