Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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