I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
