so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
