You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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