I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
