If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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