Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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