you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
