you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
