I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
