I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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