My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Randomize
