literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
