He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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