the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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