I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
And then he peed in my hair
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