You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
