I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
