the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
