Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
