We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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