New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
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