Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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