Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
everyone is single if you try hard enough
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
