I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
