her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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