you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
