Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
