Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
They took my balls.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
