i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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