Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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