I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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