So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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