He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
