I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
