epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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