peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
me + whiskey = a bad person
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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