I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
