birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
