i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
