Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
