had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
