my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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