They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
