it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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