I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
