Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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