two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
