i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize